26
Oct/2007
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SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS
Sensible Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> There's a support group for that.
> It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
> 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
> 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough.
> Let's go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
> 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
> 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
> 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
> 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that?
> What, do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
> 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> Monogamy is the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
> 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
> 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
> At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>
> 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says,
> 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
>
> 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
> Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
>
> 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
> I believe I'll have another beer."
> -- W. C. Fields
>
> 21) And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English???
> --Every American
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