As I sat down to write this, I heard a car coming down the street with the stereo cranked and the window down. As the driver slowed for the combination speed bump/chug hole that’s used, primarily, to bounce nails out of the beds of tradesmen's trucks, I could hear old Hank singing, "Move It On Over”, at many decibels.
Danged white people.
At any rate, this is the giving time of year and since women refuse to recognize what men really want to be given for Christmas
(or a birthday, or because it's Tuesday, etc.) they project the image of
"Tim the Tool Man" on to their men, men in general, and ultimately, me.
Yeah, they've seen me tightening the battery cable clamps on my daughter's car so it follows that I must be a "handy kind of guy", as my compadre puts it, and therefore, an expert consultant on what kind of tools they should gift their O.M. with.
Since our sexist, patriarchic society relegates women to areas outside of the mechanic's shop they often are ignorant of what the tools are for and, therefore, don't know if they squeeze would enjoy using them.
The following is a list of common tools and their uses.
TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light.
Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes to say, 'Oh Shit!!!!'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets
in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle:
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting fire to various objects in the shop.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after they’ve been cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on shirts; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket needed to be removed in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, liquids in plastic bottles and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need
So, there you have it. No need to thank me, I live to serve.
